Let me open with a disclaimer: I'm not a blogger. In fact, I don't write much at all. But from time to time I find myself longing to put my thoughts down "on paper." My hope is that this will help me make sense of at least some of what is brewing in my brain. (Brain Brew. Yummy.)
I'm writing this note with the intention to continue writing notes/blogging/whatever about the Thought Stew boiling over in my head so that I can clear a way to make progress. The disclaimer (which I am directing mostly toward myself) is that I have great reason to believe that this will most likely be a one-time thing and I'll continue living with my head stuffed full of chunky, slimy, slowly rotting soup.
So before I begin, if you are reading this, I might benefit from some form of encouragement. The least you could do is let me know that my thoughts are being read; that my bisque is being sampled. You don't have to voice an opinion. In fact, I myself have a hard time forming opinions, which I may later get into if this continues in the way I hope it will. But if you do have an opinion--speak up! Let me know! Be frank! More than anything, I want to learn more about myself through this experience, and I am admitting here and now that part of what is important to me is what people are thinking.
Right, well, now that I've got you thinking about thinking about my thoughts, let me embark on this journey of thought-extraction and reflection.
What do I want to be when I grow up? Do I even want to grow up? Perhaps I already have, and I need to come to terms with the fact. Perhaps I never will, and I needn't worry about such an anomaly. Perhaps the important thing is to realize that I'll be "growing up" my entire life, and it's the choices I make and the growth I experience that really matter. But that's beside the point.
The point is this: I'm going to graduate from college in May. I'm going to be in dire need of a job. And I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.
Sure, I know that I want to be an excellent husband to my wife and father to my (future) children. I want to learn and grow in my understanding of my God, my Savior, His Word, and the Church. I want to be involved in a community. I want to make a decent living so that I can provide "nice things" for my family.
But what am I going to do???
Well, if this whole blogging thing goes well, I could be a writer--I'd love to review films. If I create exceedingly excellent videos this year, I could be a film editor--I would be overjoyed to work for a production company in Michigan. If I can't think of anything else, I could work at Lowe's the rest of my life and try to climb the ladder--at least I'd be earning a living.
So what's the problem?
I'm not sure. One thing I know for certain is that part of me is cowering in fear. When I glace at the daunting tasks ahead of me, I feel like curling up in a ball and staying in the Shire for the rest of my life. But it's too late for that--I'm almost half way to Rivendell (perhaps furhter), and there's no turning back.
Am I still then a child?
Maybe there is something to be said about growing up. The world of adults is so...complicated. So intricate. Perplexing. Perhaps the reason I'm afraid is that life has been so effortless to this point. Undemanding. Easily managed. And now I can't help but feeling a bit underprepared for the greater demands of life being delicately dumped on my head.
Then again, I've come a long way. Looking back can help give me perspective. I know I can make it. I've made it before, I'll make it again. The part I'm having trouble with is making it right now.
I want to end this on a high note, but I'm having trouble finding the energy to do so honestly. I could lie and say that I'm excited to face this last year of college and transition to whatever is next for me, but I'm not. I want to say, "bring it on, world! I can take it!" but my heart just isn't strong enough.
[Help me, Jesus. Help me find the strength to face each day.]
Right now. That's the hard part for me. The past is good and gone; the future is going to be great. It's the present I'm having trouble with.
...well, that turned out to be more depressing than I anticipated. I'm not unhappy, really...I'm just a little scared.
